Happy October and Happy Tuesday!
I’ve been absent the past several days for several reasons! My daughter Sarah left on Saturday morning and it was a very bittersweet morning. I miss Sarah and Bristol so much…that sweet little face is such a beautiful memory and my time with them over the past almost four months was very precious. I say bittersweet because it was time…time for me to get back to my life and back into a routine.
Where and how do the lines get blurred with our children. I seem to have trouble with boundaries when it comes to my girls. How do I define where I end and they begin and where I begin and they end? It seems that I really don’t define that very well. My daughters are all very different, beautiful, smart, strong and amazing women. They are living their lives on their own terms and carving a path. I hope that I have inspired them…
When they were little, my life revolved around their activities for the most part. I spent lots of time in the car as most parents do, shuffling them to their activities and back and forth to school. My interests were woven into their lives in the form of cooking, learning about philosophies that influenced my parenting and ultimately my life, decorating our home and volunteering at school.
When Sarah (our baby) left, my life wasn’t in a good place and the thought of having all my children out of the house was terrifying. So, as I’ve mentioned, I started this blog! Sarah went to High Point University which is about an hour away and we met for lunch once a week and sometimes my daughter Lauren joined us after she moved back from Atlanta. Rebecca lived in Savannah at the time and then moved to Boston so she has been gone for quite a while.
I looked forward to lunches with Sarah, trips to Savannah and Boston to see Rebecca and loved visiting Lauren in Atlanta. At the same time, I began to enjoy my time alone and with my friends here and got into a routine with blogging and Instagram and saw my business start to grow. Crazy Blonde Life became very important to me and I really felt (and feel) proud of what I was accomplishing.
In spite of this, when one of the girls needed me, I jumped…whether it was moving or just about anything else, I was there to help. Holidays were (and still are) spectacular events, weddings were held at home and babies were (and still are) spoiled. Hudson (my oldest grandson) stayed with me every morning when he was a baby so Lauren could work part time. I have loved every minute of life with 3 daughters….AND, I’ve started to wonder where to draw the line. When do my wants and needs come before their expectations of me? It’s a tough question and one that has been coming up more and more often.
When you have a business and work from home, I think people (family) tend to not take you as seriously as if you physically went to a job every day. However, it’s not about what others think…it’s about how seriously I take myself. How do I say no to something when it comes to my daughters without feeling guilty? Does anyone else have this issue?
I’ve decided, as part of my evolution and the journey of my life that I need to face this head on. The idea that I need to have better boundaries is coming up really strongly for me right now because it’s time for me to figure out how to deal with it. I want my daughters to be proud of me for what I accomplished after they left and went on to make their own lives, but more than that…I want to look back at what I’ve accomplished and be really damn proud of myself. At the same time, I want to have wonderful, close, special relationships with my daughters.
What I really know is that this is going to take a conversation…at a time when everyone is calm and not in a panic because they need a babysitter or want to come home for 4 months. I have to trust them and know that ultimately, they want to see me succeed and have a life separate from them as they have a life separate from me. They are capable of living their own lives without needing me for every little thing. Sure, I want to be there for them, but going forward, there will be times when I put myself first and I’ve got to get okay with that! This is what my heart is telling me. I need time to nurture my life, my business and my marriage. Time to listen to my inner voice, dream, putter and get to know myself. It’s been a crazy roller coaster for almost 10 years…some amazing times and some heartbreak. I do want to live a life that takes my breath away, but I don’t want to do it on a roller coaster.
I’ve mentioned a book by Light Watkins that I read a quote from every morning…it’s called Knowing Where to Look. The quote below really spoke to me this morning and kind of inspired this post although this subject of reinvention in midlife has been on my mind for a little while.
I have figured out my why…it’s to inspire women in midlife to live their best lives while at the same time, staying inspired to live mine. I have taken meaningful action, but it’s time to step it up and to choose me. I’ll always be there for my wonderful, beautiful, resourceful, smart daughters, but they’ve got this life, and hopefully, they learned some of it from me and I know I’ll have more to show them as my life goes on! It really is time to normalize reinvention in midlife! In generations past and not so long ago, life was over in midlife. In most cases, there was no thought of reinvention…50 was considered old, especially for women. NOT ANYMORE!
Mark Twain famously said that our two most important days in life are the day we are born and the day we find out why. But I would add a third day to that philosophy: the day we start taking action on our purpose – our why. People spend years contemplating their passion and purpose without ever taking meaningful action, mainly due to fear of failure, embarrassment, or perhaps self imposed racism, ageism, or sexism. But we could make the argument that out of our three important days, the third day is the most important. And the best news of all is that our third day can be today. All we have to do is take one action. A small but meaningful action step will suffice. This could be doing some research, or even choosing to forgo an activity that will free up time in the days ahead to build momentum. What can you do today to act on your why? ~ Light Watkins
For the past three days, I have spent my time almost entirely putting our house back together because it’s basically been ignored since June. Having three dogs, a baby and a daughter here has been a thing. I thrive when things are in order and really had to let that go while Sarah and Bristol were here. This house is always a work in progress, but I’m getting things back to normal…including a fun outdoor project that I’m going to share soon!
*About my dress in the picture above…
When I was switching out my summer and fall clothing, I came across the dress I’m wearing. I bought it last season on major sale and totally forgot about it! I was THRILLED to find a new dress that I loved with the tags still on it that’s perfect for a wedding I’m attending this weekend! The dress is by Ba&sh Paris and you know I’m obsessed with that brand. Obviously, it’s no longer available, but I’m linking several others that I love. These dresses are so flattering, I love how they flow and the fabrics feel amazing!
Thank you so much for reading! I’m quite sure I’m not the only one dealing with this issue! Please leave a comment with wisdom or questions…I would love to know how you are dealing with this!
Wow! Thank you for your poetically, profound post! Fits me to a T! Love the third, “the day we start taking action on our purpose – our why!” I am still pondering that concept. I have a blended family, two sons and a daughter + three step-daughters, eight grandchildren, and lord only knows how many grand dogs! My husband is English and we live between Surrey, England and Georgia, USA. I’ve been an Interior Designer for 32 years and help run my husband’s business. A roller coaster for sure! Setting boundaries, that’s a tough thing to learn to do. Many thanks for the food for thought! Jane 🤗
Hi Jane
OMG I’m dizzy just thinking about your life! It sounds fabulous and chaotic all at the same time! Your comment made me laugh and shake my head! If you figure out the boundaries please let me know!
I’ve been thinking about it a little and wondering how much guilt keeps me from defining the boundaries…I guess that’s another post!
Thanks so much for your comment! I don’t know how you even find the time to read a blog post but I’m so glad you read this one!
I love this blog! A few things – first caviat, I had boys and I think girls may present a different kind of connection issue. That said, I had the realization you are having very soon after they were “launched.” I was no longer the parent of children, so I needed a new way to relate. I realized that I had grown, capable sons who were, indeed, making their own way, their own mistakes and triumphs, and I was now more of an observer than I was actively participating in their daily lives. I wanted to be there when they wanted to talk things through, my strong suit, and when we could mutually make getting together happen. No’s were valid responses to their and my requests, just like everyone else in my life. I chose to relate to them as fully functioning adults. For the most part, that works. There are times when I miss the daily interactions; when that happens, my own life isn’t full enough.
I still have to remind myself of that, so being a parent never disappears. I just have more control of my own reactions- they sometimes are better at it than me – and I interpret that to say that I got my job done!
I applaud you for taking your life back!
Hi Jane
First of all…yes,I do think girls are different. I’ve watched my sister with her boys and there isn’t nearly the drama that I feel I have with my daughters sometimes.
I have felt lately that the girls try to parent me, especially when we have differing opinions and they are not always nice about it. That also is a boundary that we need to work on.
I’ve realized since writing this post that we definitely have some kinks to work out and the conversation will probably not be a fun one to initiate but hopefully we’ll all have a better understanding of what is happening and a better relationship as a result.
I always appreciate your advice and comments. I never really thought about it as taking my life back, but you are right.
I do love the (almost) daily interaction with my grandsons and daughter, but possibly we’ve gotten too intertwined in a way. Lots of thinking and maybe a visit to a therapist will be happening!
You are definitely not alone in this dilemma. This is a constant topic when I see my therapist. And despite what she says, I still want to be there for my two daughters whenever they need me. My second grandchild is due in May and I feel obligated to help my daughter with the baby for the first year. Except she lives two hours away so I’d be staying through the week and only home on weekends (she’s a speech pathologist so she would be going back to work). But my husband is VERY needy and wants me home all the time. So balancing that is a tough thing. But here’s how I view it. It’s an honor to be able to help with my grandchildren. My mom died at age 65 so my daughters don’t have a lot of memories. I don’t want that to be the case with my grandchildren. I also know hands-on care isn’t forever. I don’t feel like I’m not living my own life. My family is everything to me and definitely a huge huge huge part of my life. I also work from home for Random House but I am willing to put my job on hold for a year.
I look forward to hearing how you handle this. Please do a follow-up post.
Hi Cindy
You are making a big commitment and it sounds like you are fine with it. I’m sure that the time you spend with your grandchild will be something you’ll treasure forever. That is a special bond and I’ve read that the relationship between a child and their maternal grandmother is one of the most important ones. Everyone is different and we all have to do what is right for us individually. I’m sure your daughter is very appreciative of all you’re willing to do for her and her family.
I will definitely do a follow up post as this has been on my mind quite a bit and I’m working through the fallout of this post with my daughters. As I said in the prior comment…they were not happy when they read it.
I will be thinking of you and sending you all the good thoughts. Thank you so much for your comment.
Hi Suzanne,
Oh my gosh did you write this post just for me? Because I’ve been experiencing the same things lately, and learning to live a new normal is not easy! My daughters are grown, one lives just down the street and guards her private time very carefully. Our younger daughter moved back home to go to grad school. She works part time too, and sets her own schedule, but I find it stressful to not always know whether or not she’ll be here for dinner, or if she’ll be in San Francisco for the weekend. We were super close as they were growing up, and we still have that, but the girls seem to be better at setting personal boundaries than I am. It’s easier for them to do their own thing and I’m still falling into the trap of anticipating their needs and wants. But they’ve never been the caregivers so I guess that makes sense! In the meantime I’m really trying to get my painting to the next level as far as a business goes, and figure out this next stage of life with my marriage etc etc. Having made new friends recently I tend to fall into the comparison trap, too. Which is not healthy at all. So much to figure out! And I still haven’t done a headstand!
Suzanne you seem to be doing most things just right for you, and at least you recognize when you’re falling into habits that feel wrong for your life now. I wish you were just down the street so we could talk about all of this, that conversation would last hours! Thank you for always giving me something to think about, and good advice too!
XO Heidi
Hi Heidi
Sounds like you have so many changes going on in your life! You are a wildly talented artist and I feel sure that you are growing by leaps and bounds! I love everything you’ve painted for us and it’s fun that we are virtual friends…hopefully we’ll get to meet one day! I think of you every time I look at one of your paintings hanging in the house!
Live can throw us for a loop sometimes and boundaries can be hard. I mentioned to a friend the other day that I think some of my issues come from guilt and that’s definitely not a good thing so something I’m working through and possibly another blog post at some point.
This is a topic that evidently resonates with many women our age. We all do our best…
This was not a popular post with my daughters because they thought it made them look bad (not my intention because they’re amazing). It does show me that some healing needs to take place in our relationships. Being a parent and navigating a new stage in life at the same time can be difficult.
I do wish I lived down the street, but I still look forward to a long wine soaked lunch with you one day! You’re very sweet to leave such a vulnerable comment! Sending you lots of love!
I love this! We need to talk about this on a podcast together. I think we all struggle with this. Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest.
Hi Deanna
It does seem to be a topic that is universal! I look forward to doing a podcast with you!