Become a Perpetual Student

July has been a month of much change and learning for me. I’ve come to understand some things more deeply than I thought possible and began to heal places that I didn’t know had anything to do with my healing. I’ve been peeling off the skin of the onion to reveal more layers and some of those layers are very raw and need love.

Healing is gradual…this I am learning. Healing is difficult and this I knew. Once you come to a level of understanding and changes begin to occur in your life, that understanding and those changes only bring more to the surface and that’s a good thing, but for some reason, always unexpected. I’m not sure if I thought I would miraculously be enlightened, but I’m always blindsided by new revelations.

I have pretty much not ever felt safe in my life. I’m not talking about physically safe, although at times, that has been an issue, I’m speaking about emotional safety. However, I didn’t realize that until just recently. What I’ve discovered is that, subconsciously, I have been putting myself into unsafe situations for most of my life because that is what my ego recognized as “safe”, translated as “familiar”. The ego, or our subconscious mind, wants to keep us safe and the only safety it knows is what’s familiar, so it keeps recreating the same situations for us in our lives over and over because they are “safe”. Being unaware of this is what is called living in the past or stuck.

Have you ever wondered why you keep attracting the same kind of partner, friend or even situations in your life? It’s because your subconscious mind sees those people and situations as safe, even though they aren’t necessarily.

As a young child, I was disciplined strongly, criticized often, and never felt that I did anything right or good enough. As a result, my sense of self worth and self confidence were very low. I felt unsafe emotionally because I couldn’t do anything right. That, combined with an atmosphere of scarcity and negativity, led me to make decisions in my life based on my fears and insecurity, rather than making decisions based on what was best, or…based on love. When I speak about being the conscious observer of your thoughts, this is what that means. My subconscious was programmed to always believe the worst. I thought there would never be enough, that I was incapable, not pretty enough or “as good as”, and that I needed to be “fixed”. My decisions were based on the way I felt about myself, just as everyones decisions are, until they know differently.

Looking back, I can see how my life evolved around exactly what I thought about myself, and as I’ve shared, life hasn’t been easy.

When I pretty much hit rock bottom and I began to question what was going on and why I was so miserable, things gradually started to change. Most of the time, it’s the questioning…taking that first step toward wanting a different life.

However…healing isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing. It is an evolution over a lifetime., but it can be the most beautiful thing to finally figure out why…why we behave as we do…why we’ve brought certain people and circumstances into our lives and why we are living the lives we are. It’s also beautiful to know that that consciousness allows us to choose another way.

When I say that you have the power within you to change your life…this is what I’m talking about. When you decide to choose differently than you ever have because you realize that those tired, worn out thoughts you’ve been thinking forever don’t serve you any longer. When you realize that you and you alone have the power to choose another way, to not only become aware of your thoughts, but to question whether they are actually true or not.

Many times, our thoughts and beliefs are based on societal conditioning and from our childhoods and those thoughts are completely not true, but, in spite of that, they have still shaped our lives.

It has taken me a while to recover from feeling that I’ve wasted much of my life…after all I’ll be 60 in May. I now know that if I had not gone through what I’ve been through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. My pain has given me wisdom and continues to give me wisdom as I continue to be a perpetual student. And, I have the gift of being able to share my story…as we all do!

I’m sharing this because, even though I have come so far, only last week did I realize that I was continuing to put myself into “unsafe” situations around certain areas of my life because my subconscious was taking me back to the familiar. As a result, I’m understanding behavior patterns that have been causing me pain for so many years. This is healing.

I’m not quite ready to talk about the details because I’m still working through so much of it. I just wanted to share this little bit in words that may help you to understand some of the issues you’re having in your life.

Treat yourself with kindness. Take care of yourself as you would a wounded child. Nourish your body with healthy food and movement. Do it consciously out of love…not because you’re “supposed to”. Make memories with yourself because you are so worth it. It may sound cliché, but when you fill your cup, you have so much more to give and that…is the whole point of self love!

If any of this resonates with you or has caused you to have an ah-ha moment, please leave me a comment and if you know someone who might need to read this post, please share!

As I heal and begin to have compassion for that little girl who was so hurt, I’m able to be kinder to myself. I’m having a much easier time embracing aging and I’m appreciating that I’m alive and healthy and able to do whatever I want to do. I’ve let go of worrying about what people think of me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care, it just means that I can’t control it so I try not to worry about it. I think we all want to be accepted and respected for what we’re doing in our lives. I don’t subscribe to that theory of not “caring” what people think.

That brings me to my outfit today…

Ulla Johnson is one of my favorite designers and I would have every piece if it was in the budget. The top I’m wearing is such a great transitional fall piece with the most amazing details. The ruching makes it so flattering and I’m in love with the back zipper and puff sleeves. It’s amazing paired with white or off white jeans, or a darker wash for a more “fall feeling” look. I’ve also paired this top with olive green wide leg pants and shorts. Every season, I like to purchase several pieces from Ulla Johnson and they are pieces that stay in my wardrobe and that I continue to wear.

I’m including a few of my favorite pieces from the current Ulla Johnson collection in the boutique below! I realize these aren’t the most budget friendly pieces but they are ones that I love. I am trying to include different price points in my posts, so if these items are not something you would consider purchasing…stay tuned, I’ll have something different just around the corner!