Life and Age...Redefined
As a woman in midlife, going through menopause, do you ever feel somewhat hopeless. Do you question your sanity when you can’t remember where you left your keys, or even worse, when you can’t remember your children’s names? Do you ever feel irrelevant and wonder what to do next. Everyone feels like this at times no matter their age but…
It doesn’t have to be this way and here’s why!
Your brain controls everything, clearly not just in menopause, but for your whole life, but if you haven’t learned this by now and are living on autopilot…letting life live you, it’s time to change a few things.
The thoughts you think today are creating your future. Every day you think thousands of thoughts and 90% of those thoughts are the same ones as the day before. How frightening?? Your brain is on autopilot causing you to live the very same day over and over…again…how frightening. I don’t know about you, but that’s not how I want my life to be. Thinking the same thoughts every day leads to the same choices and behaviors, and the same behaviors create the exact experiences and because of that, we expect the same feelings from those experiences. When we were hunters and gatherers, this is how our brain gave us protection, but we are evolving and this thought loop is no longer necessary, but…how can we change all of this?
Our hormone balance, our biology and even our gene expression (what causes us to be sick or not) will be equal to how we think, how we act and how we feel. Science is proving that genetic predisposition doesn’t have to be our reality. That’s good news because it means that you can creates your personal experience of health or sickness…and that’s it…even during menopause…even if your mother had a hard time…even if. Please don’t take my word for this, or stop reading because you don’t believe it…look into it yourself!
If you want to create a new life and redefine what this age means to you, you have to create a new personality and start becoming conscious of your unconscious behaviors and modify them. I realized this years ago when Baldy and I were going through an extremely hard time in our marriage and we had the same fight and the same pattern of getting mad and starting over every single time. It got to the point where it was almost daily and we lived apart for a while several times. It was making us both crazy, but we couldn’t seem to get out of the loop and we were both truly miserable. I will say that we were miserable for years before it all started to explode, but the explosion was what made me start searching for how to really make my life better. All of this probably would have, could have and should have happened sooner, but I was very busy being a mom and not paying too much attention to the fact that things were really bad. Woulda, coulda, shoulda…
Part of searching for ways to make my life better includes looking for new knowledge every single day and trying to better myself by learning about how to control my brain and therefore take control of my life and my destiny. If you don’t believe this is possible, look back at the patterns you have created in your life. You keep reliving those patterns because it’s how your brain has been programmed to behave and because that is what is familiar. And as I’ve said before, there is comfort in the familiar. The unknown can be a scary place.
Begin to look at the emotions that you live by every single day that keep you connected to your past and decide whether those emotions belong in our future. You can’t create a new life by doing the same things you’ve always done. I decided that I wanted things to change in many areas of my life and I knew that the only way those changes could happen was for me to be extremely conscious of my behavior and intentional in my actions. For example, I have learned that when I drink too much, for some reason, I pick a fight with Garrick. I go back to all the things he ever did that hurt me and I get mad all over again, just like it was yesterday. He always responds to me with anger and we start the same patterns all over again. These days before we go out, I make a plan in my head to only have 2 glasses of wine that I drink very slowly, or only one if we’re in a hurry. This saves us from having a fight and ruining a perfectly good night. You can do this in every area of your life. A good question to ask…”will this benefit me now, and will this benefit me later:. As a side note, I chose to stay in our marriage and because I made that choice, I have a responsibility to do my part and dredging up the past isn’t helpful.
The patterns in your life have become your identity. Not all of those patterns are bad…I’ve been working out for most of my life in some form or fashion and I’m very proud of that. Part of my identity is that I’m someone who exercises and takes care of my body. I have also, for most of my life, identified myself as someone with low self esteem who was angry because of things that had happened. This probably wasn’t apparent to people from the outside looking in, but that identity caused me to create similar experiences over and over again and kept me in an endless loop of unhappiness. Nothing started to change for me until I realized that I was capable of being aware of my thoughts and that I had the power to change them. It was the beginning my search for meaning…of realizing that I had a connection to the Divine. I heard someone say the other day that when you begin to change patterns in your life and become conscious of how you’re living, the Divine will leave breadcrumbs to guide you. I love looking for those breadcrumbs!
You are capable of changing your entire life no matter your age or anything else if that’s what you desire. You have to decide to do things differently….you have to decide that you will let yourself sit with the uncertainty of change and allow yourself to be uncomfortable at times. Everyone is afraid of the unknown but in order to redefine you life, you have to go there. You have to decide to no longer allow one period of time or one event shape the rest of your life. You can’t use a bad childhood or your husband’s affair to keep you stuck in the past…and really why would you want to relieve such unpleasant experiences? The memories of those events create emotions that keep you connected to them. Those events are over and it’s time to move on.
Are you uncomfortable with the silence of the present moment? Do you find yourself mindlessly picking up your cell phone to check your email or Instagram when you’re standing line or waiting somewhere. Do you fill you time with busy work because you’re not comfortable with just being? The present moment can be uncomfortable because we are programmed to go back to the familiar. Your brain will tell you how hard your life has been, how mean your parents were or how your husband treated you badly… it will constantly go back to those programs and impact everything you do…causing you to stay stuck in the past and not move on to something better. The simple but not so simple act of observing your thoughts can change them.
Meditation means - to engage in contemplation or reflection. The process of meditation makes you super aware of your thoughts and feelings. Many people think that when you meditate, you have to completely stop thinking for 15 or 20 minutes or you’re not doing it right. That is far from the truth. In meditation, you become the observer of your thoughts and that in turn, can make you more aware of your thoughts when you’re not meditating. There will be times while meditating that you get lost in your thoughts and when you realize that is happening, you come back to focusing on your breath. When you simply see a thought as something passing through (like a cloud) and don’t get caught up in it, you are being a conscious observer. With a regular meditation practice, because you’ve been the conscious observer, you begin to notice when your thoughts go back to past experiences and you can catch that and change them. The more conscious you become of those unconscious thoughts that have been programed into your brain, the easier it becomes to change your life. Your job is to take that state of meditation with you throughout your day and become the CONSCIOUS observer of your thoughts. Your life will begin to change…I promise because mine did. The Divine (God, Universe) will start to intervene and help you in ways that will seem unreal. You will see yourself change before your eyes. My youngest daughter told me the other day that I’ve changed because I don’t talk about people like I used to. It’s not that I never do anything wrong, or that I never gossip, but I will say that I do it much less often, and when I do gossip, or say something mean about someone else, it makes me feel so bad. I am also able to maintain a certain calmness when things around me are crazy. I’m also more able to respect the differing opinions of others and try to understand where they’re coming from. Admittedly, tall of his is much harder with my husband than with anyone else, because there are so many triggers, but we are working and learning how to strengthen our marriage every day.
What do you want for your future? If you’re not being defined by a vision of the future you desire, then you’re left with the memories of the past and you will stay the person you always were.
I knew after going through many horrible experiences in my life, that something had to change. My mental health was suffering and I had to figure out another way. This work is ongoing…not one and done…it takes perseverance but there is nothing more rewarding. There are very few days that go by when I don’t have an ah-ha moment…one of those moments when suddenly something makes sense that never did before. I am living proof that there is something on the other side of pain that’s better. If I were to sit down and write my whole story you would be amazed that I’m sitting here writing this today instead of crumpled up in a corner somewhere. I’m not saying that to make anyone feel sorry for me because I certainly do not feel sorry for myself and I know 100% that I’m not alone because we all have our stories…some worse than others. I can honestly look back and be thankful for everything that happened to me. Every time something bad happened in my past, I put a wish into the great Universe for things to be different. All of those experiences led me to where I am today.
I’m not telling you that you’ll never have a bad day, but when you begin this practice, you will be so hyper aware of your bad day and what you could have done differently that you’ll begin to figure out how to have less bad days because you are able to look back and see what happened. That’s what this work does for you…it causes you to be unbelievably aware of what’s not right. Before in my life, I just felt unhappiness. Now when I’m unhappy, I know I’ve caused it in some way and that I have the power to change it. You’re never too old or too anything to change. You absolutely can believe in a future that you can’t see or experience with your senses yet. That’s what it means when you hear that you have to believe it before you can see it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my life will only get better and better.
It is completely possible to choose a new reality and begin to emotionally embrace that for your future. Your brain does not know the difference between now and the future you’re creating in your mind. I won’t get into it here, but there is scientific research to prove this…it’s not just airy fairy stuff. Every day you can condition yourself to the way you want your life to be and your brain doesn’t know the difference., so your life begins to change. Just follow the breadcrumbs…how cool is that? It becomes fun to see what you can magnetize into your life. Keep your energy connected to the dream of your future and don’t waste a precious minute reliving the past. Don’t be impatient but be super intentional and conscious of your thoughts and actions (like not having that last glass of wine that sends you over the edge).
Give yourself the gift of taking time out of your life to prove to yourself that you can be defined by your vision of the future and not live in the past. Your future can be what you choose and the unknown doesn’t have to be scary, although it will be uncomfortable at times. Sit in the discomfort when it comes instead of distracting yourself on your phone or with busy work. Catch yourself going into familiar patterns that no longer serve you and you’ll begin to overcome your old self and become the person you were always meant to be.
Let the magic begin, but remember that you MUST feel worthy of receiving your dream because the Universe only gives us what we think we’re worthy of receiving. This work you do for yourself is so important and not only changes you…it changes everyone around you!
I’ll end with this… ask yourself at the end of each day how you did. What caused you to go on autopilot. Begin to contemplate what pushed your buttons and, in your mind or your journal, rehearse how you could have changed that experience. How you will handle it the next time? Plan your behavior. Close your eyes and plan what you’ll do next time. Your brain will begin to transform and you’ll behave differently because you’ve already seen it in your mind. Like the wine…I saw a nice evening in my mind instead of a big fight because I was dredging up the past. You can change the hardware of your brain. Think about how you will live your life differently. Take some time each and every day to practice, to read and to learn. You’ll start to be aware when the fear and frustration want to take over and you’ll be able to self regulate. Connecting to the energy of your future takes energy and lots of awareness. Don’t allow people or circumstances to take away your power. . The times when you are able to correct your behavior are very valuable moments because that’s when you prove to yourself you can do it,…you are in control…your life will become better and you’ll want to do it again.
So…to tie this all together…there is so much talk about redefining how society views aging and this is how I see it. We age how we want to and we can and should be a living example of age and life…redefined.
Thoughts?…leave a comment below!