I got the call this morning…It was expected but still…unexpected. The nurse said my mom was not doing well and they would be surprised if she made it through the day. My stomach churned, my heart started racing and I felt a panic come over my body.

My mom has Alzheimer’s Disease, so there was no worry about things that needed to be said because that didn’t matter any more. Honestly, I can’t even put my finger on the feeling but like I said, it was expected and unexpected at once. Before I begin…let me say that she did not pass today. She had a stroke this morning and is still hanging in there, in limbo, somewhere between life and death. I know she’s tired and that makes things harder. I also know it’s time because she has no quality of life but in spite of that, she is still with us for now. Death will come when it comes.

I’m at “that age”. The age when it’s normal to loose your parents. My mom turned 90 on December 1 and she’s been in memory care for over 10 years but she’s declined sharply in the past year. She no longer recognizes me when I walk into the room. There is (or was) a glimmer of recognition in her eyes, but she couldn’t tell you my name or my children’s names. She is there, but not.

That’s the thing about dementia…if you have it, you’re there among the living, but somewhere else at the same time. It’s a disease that shows no compassion. When someone you love has dementia, you loose them long before they’re gone.

After I got the call, I ran to take a shower and got to her as quickly as possible, calling the people who needed to know as I went. I called my sister and my daughters…knowing they would let others know. I was supposed to host my garden club here at our home today…our annual Christmas pot luck, so I also had to make arrangements for that. Thankfully, my friend and neighbor of 50 years put signs on my door directing everyone to her house so I didn’t have to worry about anything.

I picked up my daughter who lives in town, and arrived at Twin Lakes, the memory care facility where my mom has spent the last part of her life, to find my sister and her family. My husband wasn’t far behind. By the time we got there, my mom was doing a little better but still in very bad condition and I know it won’t get any better this time.

We were all together (my sister and her family and my husband and I, and our daughter) for the first time in a while and we cried and laughed and talked to her almost as if she could understand. None of us knew quite what to do, how to feel, or what to say. Death is not something you can prepare for and our society does not handle it well, we want to prolong life, more for how we feel, even when there’s no life being lived.

After we had all been there for a while, reality set in and we knew that we couldn’t all stay there, all day long, just waiting for something that may or may not happen. I volunteered to stay for a while and after everyone left, I had some time to just sit and watch her breathe. For some reason, I started to feel uncomfortable, as if I should be doing something so I looked through her things and reminisced as I went through pictures and remembered different times in our lives.

Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity and and an instant all at once (time is that way), my nephew and his wife came back and we sat and talked to her (again, as if she knew what we were saying and I really wonder if she might have somehow known), we asked her if she remembered people from the past and places we had all been together. We talked about family dinners and things she did with and for all of us. It was really great to connect with them on that level and just sit without distraction and be together.

Eventually, I had to come home and take care of Amos and get on with my life just a bit. I still feel very much in limbo…waiting for my mom to pass and wondering what to do with myself.

Death puts things in perspective and makes things that seemed important, seem very insignificant. What will people say about me at the end of my life? What will I wish I had done or not done?

What I do know is that there is a huge lesson here going forward after my moms passing and in the new year. Life is precious and you don’t get a do-over.

I want my children and grandchildren to know how important they are to me, not because I tell them, but because I spend time showing them. Of course, I want them to proud of me because I accomplished personal goals and lived life to the fullest, but more than that, I want them to have the best memories of our time together. Memories of beach trips, family dinners, laughter around the fire and playing outside. Loving each other is the most important thing. I am fortunate to have a family who supports and loves me and I do not want to take that for granted. I want my grandchildren to sit around and reminisce about our times together when the end of my life comes…just like we did about my mom today!

Of course, she wasn’t perfect and we laughed about some of the things that drove us crazy about her, but we knew she loved us and the good far outweighed the not so good!

I have felt way out of balance lately…burnt out and tired too often, and this has been a big wake-up call for me. I don’t have the answers or the solution, but I can say that I will be asking myself more questions about what is really important in my life. Finding the sweet spot between living my life and working toward toward my goals won’t always be easy, but I’m determined to live and laugh and let go more often.

So for now, we wait…it could be tonight, it could be a week or it could be a month. When it happens, it will still be unexpected and hard, but that’s life. You never know what will happen and all you can do is look for the sweetness and embrace the good parts. The memories made today around my moms bed are ones I’ll never forget…connecting with my nephew and his wife and reminiscing. I’m grateful for that and also wonder why it took my mom’s near death today for it to happen. Human connection is really all we have and all that matters in the end.