What Is Self Love and Why Does It Matter So Much?
Well…at 58 years old, I’ve finally hired a life coach and what a journey it’s going to be. Already, I’ve had so many moments that made me go…whaaaat? Along my journey of self discovery, I think I’ve searched out many great teachers, starting with Gabrielle Bernstein, Michael Beckwith, Abraham Hicks, Melanie Ann Layer and many more, but, with the exception of a weekend retreat with Gabby, none of these people could ever talk back to me or challenge me. I have made tremendous progress on my own over the years and as I’ve said, I’m a different person (in a better way) than I was 5 years ago, but I’m pretty sure... another huge shift is coming.
To give you an example, yesterday, I had a bit of a breakthrough by telling a story of something my father said to me when I was around 10 or 11 years old. It was devastating and hurtful and something I’ll never forget… I know it has shaped my life in so many ways because as a child, I believed it and didn’t have the capacity to realize that the problem was with him and not me. It frightens me to think what I may have said to my children at a time when I was angry or feeling bad about myself.
I will admit that I’ve always felt that my life has been hard…not that there weren’t good times, but overall, life has been hard because I’ve made some bad choices. Yesterday, after telling my story, my coach asked me “do you feel that you’ve been living in discomfort for most of your life?” and my answer was “yes”. She said to me, “so that’s what’s comfortable and familiar to you”? Her response nearly knocked me over and I’ve been thinking about it almost nonstop since. I have been (without even realizing it) going back to what’s familiar because I know that place and for some reason it feels safe.
Human nature makes us go back to what’s familiar…even when it hurts or when it’s bad. It’s what we know, so we know how to respond and how to deal with it. It’s why women stay in abusive situations many times. It’s the fear of the unknown that paralyzes us.
This was the biggest ah-ha moment I’ve ever had (truly) and I realized all the ways that I was purposely (and unconsciously) staying in discomfort. The thing I’m pondering is why? I know better…I know about the Law of Attraction, and I have deep faith! I’m the person who meditates every.single.morning without fail!
I’ve been feeling in a funk recently and I know, deep in my heart, that the Universe has given me a big whack to the side of the head because I’ve been asking for guidance, but maybe not listening.
When I did the blog post about boundaries with your grown children, and my friend, Deanna Pizitz asked me to do a podcast about the topic, I had no idea I was going to be coached by Sandra Daniele, who was on the podcast with us to add a little more validity to the conversation. Being coached on a podcast was a difficult thing to do, knowing that hundreds of people would listen to me being very raw and open about my life. However, as a result of that, I hired Sandra and she is fabulous. Looking back, I can see how the Universe lined this all up so perfectly. Sandra has been the answer to a prayer and even though, I honestly don’t look forward to our calls because they’re hard, I know this is work that I desperately need to do.
The statement that “The Universe only gives you as much as you think you are worthy of receiving”, makes so much sense when you take a hard look at your life.
I’ve been feeling a sense of urgency about things because…I’m not getting any younger. I will say that realizing how in so many ways, I’m living in the past when I thought I wasn’t has been very eye opening. Sandra pointed out that feeling guilt is living in the past (another ah-ha moment) as is going back to the familiar place of discomfort. I guess I need to describe what that means…it’s the thought patterns that come back over and over again as a reaction to certain situations. I have a voice in my head that repeats that same thing that my father said to me over and over again. I know intellectually that it wasn’t true then and isn’t true now, but for so many years, I didn’t know it and it has become a pattern for me and my life has been shaped so much by it.
Everything everything everything comes from our emotions and our thoughts cause our emotions. Two people could be in the same situation and have different thoughts and therefore have different emotions. That’s why it’s so important to be aware of our thoughts.
Dang this is turning into a long post…but I need to bring this back to self love.
Hiring Sandra is loving myself. Showing up and doing the hard emotional work that hurts like hell is self love. It’s easy to say that you’re worthy and lovable and recite all the positive affirmations, but when you have a voice in your head that’s telling you otherwise, it doesn’t do much good. My voice isn’t as loud as it used to be and I recognize that it’s there which is half the battle, but I want it to go away. I can’t imagine the voice will ever completely go away, but in my awareness of it, I can tell it to shut up.
Self love is saying no to things that don’t serve us, establishing personal boundaries and accepting who we are…incomplete, imperfect and a work in progress and being okay with that. This is where the work is…
When I look around at our society, it’s easy to see that most people don’t love themselves. Forget about the extreme cases of substance abuse and other similar things. Consider the people who are on a constant quest to be skinny enough, smart enough, rich enough, successful enough, etc. etc. etc. All of these things are fine to want but they only come when you truly learn to love yourself.
Don’t stop reading this post when I tell you that I haven’t figured it out. Knowing something and KNOWING something are two different things. The first thing that I’m implementing as often as possible is to recognize my negative inner voice and then have my imaginary best friend talk to it. What would my best friend say? She certainly wouldn’t say that I was a hopeless failure who needed to be fixed, or that I was an underachiever, or that I will never amount to anything. No not all…she would say - “you’re doing great”, I’m proud of what you’ve achieved, you’re helping people, I love you”. She would tell me to celebrate every single success!
I’m talking to that 11 year old girl who has been so lonely and so hard on herself for so many years. But she needs to hear the good things so she can grow up and be the woman I am working to become.
Let me just say as a big side note…if you’re a person that thinks that self love is selfish, it’s just not true. Getting healthy and being the best person you can be is a gift to the people you love and a gift to the world. It frees you up to give your gifts freely and from a place of love and that’s certainly not selfish!
One thing that’s happened as a result of all of this is I’ve decided my new motto is fewer and finer. Fewer and finer in every area of my life and that includes Crazy Blonde Life. I’ve always put pressure on myself to post as many times a week as possible, but I haven’t (especially lately), felt as proud of my posts as I would like. From this point, I will post when I know that I’ve created a post that I’m proud of and that will be helpful to you in some way. I think that’s a better way and a way that I can love myself and feel a sense of pride in my work.
Please leave me a note if you struggle with loving yourself (don’t we all)! And if you’ve been thinking about hiring a life coach, I couldn’t recommend it more. In the interim…there is a book that I’ve just ordered that I think is going to be very good called The Self Love Experiment, 15 Ways to Be More Kind, Compassionate and Accepting of Yourself by Shannon Kaiser. I’ll let you know…