More Than Worth It and Never Too Late
Healing often looks like starting over a thousand times. Each time we discover a truth, shed an old belief, implement a new skill, or resist an old pattern, we reach a new level. Growth is a collection of all the times we tried and tried again. ~ Dr. Vassilia Binensztok
Early on in. my spiritual journey (even though it’s all a spiritual journey), I misunderstood a few things and I tried really really hard to only think positive thoughts. I would consciously try to put anything unpleasant out of my mind…even when things were very tough. What I have come to understand is that in order to heal, we must go back and look at the reasons we continue to live patterns over and over, creating havoc and lives we don’t love. Often (most of the time), our behavior patterns aren’t even something we’re conscious of…these behaviors are caused by conditioning that is many years old and and has been practiced to perfection.
Consciously going back with the intention to heal is much much different than living in the past and dwelling on events that we can’t change, still blaming everyone else involved.
Looking at our past traumas and the coping mechanisms we unconsciously learned as a result is how we become aware of ways we’ve been dealing with our lives that may have once helped us to survive, but no longer serve us. Awareness is the start to everything…it allows us to shine a light on the dark places and understand things we had to figure out as children and young adults when we really didn’t have the capacity to understand what was going on. We didn’t have the maturity to process things the way we do now so we learned to cope in order to get through it all. As adults, we now have the opportunity and responsibility to heal so that we can show others that healing is possible.
There is much more to my story than I’ve shared and I’m not sure that sharing all of the details is necessary, but sharing the overall picture with small snippets of what I experienced is important and here’s why…
All of us…no one is exempt, have things we need to heal. Healing allows us to live better lives and it gives others evidence that it can be done and that it’s worth the work. It’s painful to remember things that hurt us, but the truth is, we most likely weren’t allowed the chance to feel our true feelings at the time. When we decide to take the time to become aware of the situations and events that caused our trauma, and to now see how we’re responding to situations in our adult lives, based on the behavior that helped us to survive so long ago, it can be eye opening and difficult. It takes longer for some than others to go through this process and consciously start to make life altering changes in how we respond with our thoughts, emotions and behaviors.
Life is a journey and understanding comes as we go…trying to replace my negative thoughts with positive thoughts was how I began so long ago. My understanding began to deepen and I kept digging and learning and doing the work everyday…reading, listening to mentors, meditating, praying.
Change doesn’t happen overnight and in the beginning, when we think we’ve discovered the secrets to life, we expect everyone around us to act accordingly but it doesn’t work that way. You will likely meet some resistance to your new way of thinking and that’s part of the journey. Keep your eye on yourself and don’t worry about what others are doing or how they are reacting. In time, as you continue to change, they will respond to you differently.
For a long time and maybe always, we will return to old behavior and thought patterns but the difference is being aware of what is happening. When we know better, we do better…we can self correct. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up for perceived mistakes, for arguments we regret and things we said but didn’t mean. Giving yourself grace is always important…Grace you would give to a child (the child you were). Apologize, forgive yourself and learn from what happened…change is happening because of your awareness.
Looking back, I’ve come so far…I was a needy girl who blamed everything that was happening in my life on outside circumstances and I was very miserable. Now, I’m a woman who is committed everyday to growing and evolving.
For most of my life, as far back as I can remember, I was only happy if the conditions were right for me to be happy…if I got my way, if I was having a good hair day, if my children were easy to deal with, if my husband was in a good mood. What I’ve learned is that I was powerless because my happiness came from outside of me. True power is when we can be happy because the sun came up and we’ve been gifted another day on this earth…happy because we know that, inherently, we are worthy…and that our choices determine our destiny. Grateful to know we have a choice.
You’ve probably figured out by now that I’ve been going through some huge personal transitions - working on healing some really old wounds that I’ve stuffed away for many years. No one is required to do this work…I’m choosing to because I want to live my best life and in order to do that, I must..
The more I surrender to what is and trust that I am okay, the more peaceful I feel inside. For so many years, I felt tortured, always wanting everyone around me to behave a certain way, I felt anger inside for no apparent reason and cried often out of frustration. Most of that is gone now. Even when I’m having a hard day, it’s not as hard as it would have been before because I’m learning to live with my feelings and find peace in the difficulty. That doesn’t mean I’m never sad or angry, it just means I know how important it is to feel what I’m feeling and that it will pass. It also means that I’m aware that it’s not anyone else’s fault.
I’m still amazed sometimes at how different each day can feel. One day, I can experience such a sadness and the next morning, the fog has lifted and I feel so joyful. The real secret is not to drag yesterday into today.
In a blog post I wrote a while back, I talked about feeling a sense of urgency because I’m not getting any younger and that seemed to resonate. I want to wake up each day ready to participate in life…to create. I was listening to a podcast yesterday and what stood out was - Desire energy is creative energy. I desire so much more from my life and we all should desire what ever it is that WE desire. However, desire from a place of abundance is much different than desire from a place of lack.
As I was walking my beautiful pups this morning, I felt so abundant because I love them so much and watching them happily sniff everything in sight and get so excited just to be outside on a beautiful morning made me feel good inside. The air was crisp and starting to feel fall-like, and the sky was so blue…the perfect day. Abundance is a feeling.
As we were walking back into the driveway, I remembered that long ago I would walk past the house we live in now and dream of living here! I planted a seed back then…it took a while and truthfully, I never really imagined that dream would come true but it did.
Time will pass and yes, I still feel that sense of urgency, but what I know is that I’m only wasting my time when I’m all balled up inside trying to force things to happen. Every moment that is left of this life is precious and the journey to my dreams is every bit as important as the dreams. themselves. The small moments of our lives make up the totality of our experience. They count more than anything!
Today, my priorities are making sure that I’ve taken care of myself so that my cup is full of what I want to spill from it…love, understanding and compassion.
Making sure I’ve spent time with my grandsons because I know I can have a positive impact on their lives and I want to make amazing special memories with them…I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt how much I love them just because they are.
Spending time with my three beautiful daughters is so important to me as is making sure that I’m nurturing my relationship with my husband.
Walking my dogs and loving on them brings me so much joy as does creating a beautiful space for us to live our lives.
Another of my passions is creatively expressing myself through what I write here on this blog - these are the things that come first.
The Divine timing of the Universe will take care of the rest. as I do the work that needs to be done and then lean back and trust. I am in charge of continuing to learn and evolve. I am in charge of leading myself by waking up every day and being the very best person I can be…for myself, and as a result for everyone else… the rest is taken care of.
I don’t think I’ll ever be exactly where I want to be, but that’s just evolution. There is great contentment in knowing how far I’ve come and I feel proud of myself for having the courage to start this never ending journey. And…if you’re wondering - it’s more than worth it and never too late!