Several years ago, I went to New York to Gabrielle Bernstein's Spirit Junkie Masterclass.  I first found Gabby on YouTube and listened to her TEDx talk.  Her message, based on the book A Course in Miracles,  really resonated with me and when I found out she was going to be in New York, I knew I had to go.

When I walked into the theater with 200 other (mostly) women, I was very afraid I had made a huge mistake because it seemed that I was the oldest person there.  All of the women were in their 20's and 30's with very few exceptions.  I soon found out that my age made no difference!  I became open to a new way of thinking and began a transformational journey.  That weekend, although I didn't know it at the time, planted the seed for the start of Crazy Blonde Life.

What I learned at Gabby's Spirit Junkie Masterclass was that I had spent too much (most) of my life feeling small.  I had opinions, and at times voiced them, but mostly my opinions came from a place of negativity.  I had no idea that I could create an amazing life!  I thought life just happened and you had to learn to deal with it.  Hearing Gabby talk about loving yourself and how fear holds us back changed me forever!  She talked about expecting miracles!

Growing up, I learned to be a pleaser as so many women of my generation did.  I wanted everyone to like me, but I didn't know who I was at all.   I worked out religiously, thinking that if I was thin and fit that my life would be better.  I developed an eating disorder, starved myself, then binged and starved again.  All in all, I was a pretty miserable person, but tried to put a smile on my face and pretend that things were fine.  

I've never been particularly religious, and in fact spent years being mad at religion and thinking that none of it made sense.  I didn't understand how people could put faith in something unseen and I felt very let down by how my life was going.  That has all changed!  I am no longer angry at God or life.  Not that things always go the way I want them to, because obviously as I've shared, they don't.  I now know that things in life happen for a reason and there is something to be learned from every situation.  I truly do expect miracles! 

I am living alone now and trying to learn to embrace it...to enjoy my own company.  Every day, I learn new things about myself.  I have become unapologetically authentic.  Deep down, I know that all of what has happened in my life is teaching me to be a whole person and to fully show up for life.  Relationships are hard, but when you know who you are and like yourself, you learn what you want.  I think I would have settled for living a life less than the one I'm supposed to be living if my circumstances were any different.  

Some days are still very dark and I just want everything to be back the way it was.  I want to know someone will be home with me and I want someone to talk to.  I don't really enjoy going out all the time.  I'm a homebody and I love to cook and enjoy dinners and conversation.  When I start to think about things too much and not live in the moment, the voice of fear creeps in.  Sometimes it hits very very hard and I become overwhelmed...with emotion and extreme anxiety about what my life is going to be like.  I stop trusting that the Universe has my back.  We all have those moments, even when we know better.  The battle is always in my head, and I know that ultimately, I'm in control of my thoughts, but I forget almost every day!

I have been struggling with writing some of my posts lately because I don't want anyone to think I'm an expert on anything.  I just want to share what I've learned in the hopes that I can be helpful. Everyone's journey is different, but the same in so many ways.  I realized after listening to Gabby and other spiritual leaders and authors that even the people who are considered experts still go through struggles in life, even as they're teaching their truth!  It's just the way life is...we grow and learn every day, even on the days when it all feels unbearably hard.

The biggest lesson I learned from Gabby, and since then, from studying A Course in Miracles as well as reading more self help books than I can count...is that I am worthwhile.  I am worthwhile because I was born and so is everyone else.  I don't have to prove my worthiness by DOING anything.  I have permission to live my truth.  I still have that voice that creeps into my head and makes me doubt myself, but I now know how to come back to what I have learned to be true.  The Universe is on my side and I am fine.  I once heard Gabby say, "it's not that you fall out, it's how quickly you are able to bring yourself back".  Back to living your truth without all of the fear, self doubt.

I am saying all of this today, because I a proud affiliate for Gabby Bernstein's Spirit Junkie Masterclass Digital Course.  It's the same course I went to in New York, only digital.  She is doing a free 3-part video training that is excellent and will give you an idea of what the Masterclass is all about.  It will start to teach you the steps to be confident and authentic in your own life.  I'm going to be honest and say that I had composed an email that sounded inauthentic to me so, I didn't send it out.  Instead, I decided to write my story honestly in a blog post.  As I've said before, I would never try to sell anything that I don't believe in and the digital course for the Spirit Junkie Masterclass is no exception.  I have also read all of Gabby's books and refer to them often.  I believe deeply that her message is transformational because I saw it in my own life.  I invite you to click on the link below and listen to Gabby's first video.  It is the first of 3 free videos and I'm sure you'll love it and learn from it.

https://xh111.isrefer.com/go/confidence/smithsuzanne

Whether in the end you choose to purchase the Spirit Junkie Masterclass or not, is obviously up to you.  My hope is that no matter what, my voice and honesty about my situation will help someone who is reading my blog to choose to begin a journey of self love and happiness.  A journey of learning to choose love over fear and to begin to live a better life.  I hope you will give yourself permission to honor who you are and to take care of yourself. 

I know this was a long one and I cried the whole time I was writing it!!  Thank you sooo much for reading and as always, please leave your comments below!  I really do want to hear what you have to say!